Jumping off a cliff...
Updated: Apr 11, 2019
Have you ever just wanted to set something on fire? I mean, like you were fed up with yourself and you needed something, anything to change, so you just felt like burning something. Maybe that something is an old love letter, maybe it's a bathroom scale, but the urge to just burn it all down with the hopes of starting something, anything new is the same no matter what it is. Last night there was a full moon and I jokingly told the ladies in my yoga class I was gonna go to the woods and burn some shit (I didn't mean the forest-- please don't report me. I heart forests and forest friends). I did mean I wanted to rid myself of the same old, same old-- shed a layer of some veil yet to be revealed to me. How do you know it's a veil if you can't see it? I believe the answer is there is always a veil. Trust in that, accept it, know you can't get the bottom of it, because there is no bottom, and then in that acceptance, you find a new nugget of understanding about yourself. Some people call it surrender, but I like to refer to it as the feeling you get when you've jumped off of a cliff and are on the way down. There's just no return. Resignation to existence.
Nothing is ever the same. The Buddhist say the only constant is change, so why do I need to burn the old down? I think it has something to do with resistance to jumping in the first place. I really hate the feeling of falling. It's probably why I am still single. Although the funny thing is I love adventure. I have been rock climbing for about 3 or so years now to try to make sense of this fear. I even took a class called "The Warrior's Way: Falling without Fear." What did I learn?
Falling sucks less when you have a rope. Also, when you get to go at your own pace and fall when you are ready, then you feel a measure of control over the situation, so it makes it more palatable. Basically, this way I didn't want to throw up as much. I took the course about 3 months ago, and I wish I could tell you that I was all about falling now, but frankly I am still scared; however, I am also climbing routes I would have never climbed before, albeit cautiously. But I'm still on the wall, working towards the goal of complete freedom.
That's what releasing fear and the past is really all about: freedom. You may hit the ground but for the seconds before you do, you know what it is like to fly.
I want to fly. That's why I want to burn things. I want go deeper and see through the veils and connect to my most creative, most expansive self. This is what happens when I not busy rejecting the things about myself I see as wrong or off in some way. You know the things that someone told me were bad, or that might have gotten punished for. Those "things" become beliefs after a while and we end up proving most of them right to ourselves and others. That is, until we learn to fly.
I guess the BIG question is how do I go from rejection of aspects of myself, and of my time and place, to more acceptance and love?
When can I be here with all the new delicious awareness of what life is and what it can be, along with the frustration about what it is not? I am starting to notice that it is really hard, if not impossible to be in frustration (fire, resistance) and in love at the same time. There are many techniques for finding peace and tranquility in the presence of unwanted realities. Meditation is so helpful for a daily practice. I also have learned that spending some time outside, especially walking in nature (not burning, just being) gives me a daily reset. However, the thing that has been there for me during the long, dark nights when nothing else was, is Reiki. Reiki saved me. Sure it healed physical ailments beyond what I would have imagined possible (like stuff you read about in religious texts but might blow off because you are too practical for that nonsense-- I recognize you; I was you), but what it did mostly was empower me to understand I could master the moment, master the fear. This happens as you learn to master the energy within you. This is what Reiki does.
According to Medical News Today Reiki "comes from the Japanese words "rei" (universal) and "ki" (life energy)"(https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/308772.php).
Hum....universal life energy-- that which binds us all to this moment and time, and to one another. Change your feeling, change your energy, change your reality. Reiki provides a path of least resistance to those who want to awaken their innate ability to heal. There are no real words to describe what tapping into this feeling is. I can show you, though.